The Man in the Mirror
by Jedi Amoira
Summary: Snape's history--from being friends with James to becoming a spy for Dumbledore. Feedback appreciated. Rating may change with later installments
1. Almost Better Forgotten

Disclaimer--Characters belong to JK Rowling. Universe belongs to JK Rowling. Ideas probably belong to JK Rowling. But the prose is mine...please ask before printing or posting elsewhere. Thanks.  
  
Author's Notes--This is meant to be the first installment in my version of how Severus Snape became first a Death Eater and then a spy--not to mention what his deal is with Harry and the Mauraders...but we'll see a) how you like, b) how long invention holds out, c)how much time I actually have to write it. Sigh. Anywho...I hope that you like this--and that you tell me so...Feedback is so welcome! But this is my first HP fic...please be gentle.  
  
  
  
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Late at night, rubbing the Dark Mark burning itself ever more clearly into his flesh, Severus Snape lay staring into the shadows in a vain attempt to see what was coming. He felt his lips twist in a mirthless smile. All these years, and he still didn't know any better...he didn't even know how he had gotten here. How could he possibly know where he was going?   
  
Sleep was no longer sleep, only endless replays of a past better left forgotten...  
  
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James Potter was part of life for Severus Snape. For as long as he could remember, they were almost always together. On the rare afternoons James didn't ask Severus to come over, Severus appeared anyway; he was always welcome, no one that he couldn't stay away. Severus had more fun with James Potter than he could imagine--even knowing it was possible. He hated James for that.  
  
Not really.   
  
Not the violent, angry sort of hate that meant wishing someone dead--he loved James too much for that. But his joy--and his love--was always shadowed, framed by a deep and aching void with the bitterness of coffee brewed too dark and too long. Because James Potter had a father.  
  
He didn't lord it over Severus that he had a father and Severus didn't. James was too kind for that. It would have been easier if he had...  
  
Severus shared in backyard Quidditch matches, degnoming lessons, chess stories, and exploding chess as if he and James were brothers. Somethimes he thought they were...and then they would win a neighborhood Quidditch match and James would be carried away for ice cream on his father's shoulders. Severus, who could have followed, would slink shamefully home rather than endure the unintentional indifference of the man he secretly thought of as his father. It was all he could do, after a night of his mother's fond reminiscences of the joys of being the forgotten widow to one of the most respected--and poorest--old wizarding families accompanied by visions of the praise James was receiving in a sprinkling of ice cream sundaes, to be reasonably polite the next morning when James asked him where he had gone. In spite of his best efforts, an undercurrent of something akin to anger drifted between them, bouying a look of hurt confusion to James' face.  
  
Even as the expression filled the smallest degree of the emptiness surrounding him, it stung Severus deep in the heart, widening the void around him a little more.   
  
He loved no one on earth the way he loved the Potters, and it was tearing him apart.  
  
James wanted Severus to sit with him on the train when they finally left for Hogwarts. "It's only right, isn't it?," he'd said cheerfully, "the two of us facing the unknown together. Like brothers." He'd looked so open, so vulnerable and innocent, Severus felt slaughtering a unicorn would have been less horrible than telling him no...but it wouldn't really be as if they were brothers...at least, not to everyone, and the look on Mr. Potter's face as they stood at the station could not be borne. Severus swallowed hard at the thought and shook his head. The look of pain was on James' face. "I didn't know that was how you felt," James said.Severus opened his mouth to explain, but he couldn't force the words past the sudden tightness in his throat. His stomach was on fire. "I guess I'll see you there," James said.  
  
So Severus Snape found himself leaving for Hogwarts alone.   
  
He felt as though a huge mistake had been made. And, yet, for the first time, he and his old life had been set completely apart. It felt good.  
  
The feeling lasted until he stepped into a compartment and found James sitting with a boy he had never seen before. The stranger muttered something to James as Severus walked in, and Severus couldn't shake the sudden paranoid feeling it was about him. James and the other boy laughed, making the certainty sting. Severus turned sharply on his heel, ready to leave without a word.  
  
"What--you're not going to introduce yourself?," the strange boy said suddenly. "That's a bit rude."  
  
Severus eyed him in a way James laughingly called 'the freezing anti-charm', a look created in the darkest shadows of his bleak and blighted home. "Thanks for the lesson in manners," he said coolly, pleased at how little his voice betrayed the pain and confusion running through him in quavers.  
  
"You'll have a hard time making friends if you're always like this," the boy said impudently.  
  
Severus felt the back of his neck bristle. "What--you mean like you?," he sneered.  
  
"No, like you're too good for us," the boy said bluntly, eyeing him from head to toe as if taking his measure. Judging from the look on his face, he found Severus wanting, but Severus knew James would defend him.   
  
"Didn't you know, Sirius," James said suddenly with what might have been a laugh, "He is." 


	2. Feast of the Trickster Moon

Disclaimer-characters belong to JK Rowling, universe belongs to JK Rowling, ideas probably belong to JK Rowling. My description of McGonagall actually belongs to LM Montgomery. The rest of the prose is--I think--mine, so please ask before you print or post.  
  
Author's Notes--Wow...that probably won't happen twice...the second chapter already! I guess Snape can be a demanding guy. Anyway, with luck, this is part of my version of how Snape became a Deatheater and then a spy...and just what his deal is with Harry and the Mauraders...Please leave feedback--it's what we fanfic writers live on, ya know. Thanks. :-)  
  
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Severus knew he needed to talk to James, but he wasn't about to do it in front of the barrel-chested, know-it-all, self-elected commentator, and he wasn't about to ask for some privacy, either. He'd speak to James at the Feast. "Good day, gentlemen," he said with the innate poise his father's family prized and his mother mocked.  
  
The next compartment was empty. Suddenly tired of socializing, Severus slipped gratefully inside. He spent the rest of the afternoon watching scenery fly past, letting it drag him slowly into a near-hypnotic stupor. He didn't even realize the train had stopped until he heard people pushing past the door. Sighing, Severus shook off the urge to stay trapped in sliding landscape like a genie in a bottle and stepped into the chattering midst of the crowd.  
  
"Firs' years," shouted a man twice the size of the stranger on the train. He had a very unlikely thatch of hair. "Fis' years--this way to the boats!"  
  
Severus felt a spark of excitement--and, with a pang of regret, he realized James wasn't radiating his usual closely-controlled electricity at his side. Even as the thought formed, his dark eyes caught a glint of brilliant green through a gap in the crowd, somehow intensifying his awareness of their separation.   
  
Severus hardly noticed the other First Years in his boat--between fascination with the smooth glide of the boat across black glass toward a fortress of fairy lights slowly materializing out of the mists before them and impatience to talk to James he had very little attention for anything else. He let the tide of his classmates carry him into the entry way and up the stairs to be met by a tall, spare witch with a saving something about her face indicative of a sense of humor. Severus instinctively liked her.  
  
She introduced herself as Professor McGonagall and explained they were about to be sorted into their houses. Severus liked the idea that the houses would be like families--he and James would be almost brothers, just like always.  
  
The ceiling in the Great Hall looked just like the night sky--complete with the biggest, roundest red-tinged full moon Severus had ever seen. "Creepy-looking, isn't it?," the boy next to him whispered, looking jittery. "My mum calls it the Trickster Moon. She says it's a sign of Fate working mischief."  
  
This did sound creepy, though Severus wasn't about to admit it. He looked at the boy blankly for a couple of seconds, finally responding, "Interesting."  
  
No one had ever told him how sorting was done; whatever Severus was expecting, the old ragged hat sitting on a stool wasn't it. Still, all the older students and teachers seemed to be eyeing it expectantly. Things got even more unexpected and ridiculous when the hat began to sing. Severus hardly knew what it said--he was too startled by the lack of elegance in the affair to pay much attention.   
  
"Abra, Monte" was called up first. His classmates waited with baited breath to see what would happen to him. The hat sat on his head for a second, then shouted, "Ravenclaw", and that was that. Everyone cheered. Severus didn't think it could possibly be an accurate sorting method, but at least it seemed harmless.  
  
"Black, Sirius," turned out to be the impudent stranger who'd caused so much trouble on the train. "Gryffindor," the hat declared, almost before it touched him. Severus decided that was one thing to dislike about Gryffindor.  
  
"Evans, Lily," was the smallest slip of a redhead. She had a smile that seemed a little wistful. Severus was half-ashamed of his own off-hand thought she'd lose her own shadow if she kept on being that timid. The hat seemed to consider her for ages before it finally announced, "Hufflepuff!" That lot seemed like babes in the woods Severus noted with a twist of his lips. On the other hand, they looked like they'd make nice friends.  
  
"Lupin, Remus has already been sorted due to an illness in the family," Professor McGonagall said, somehow still in the rhythm of her roll. "He will be joining us for classes later in the week." Severus frowned. He didn't know much about Hogwarts, but that sounded rather odd. "He's a Gryffindor," she added, causing the whole table to cheer even though he wasn't there.  
  
The list continued on and on. "Neville, Frank" became a Hufflepuff, "Orsted, Uther" became a Slytherin, "Pettigrew, Peter" a Gryffindor.  
  
"Potter, James" didn't even look at Severus as he took his place on the stool even though Severus was sure he knew he was there. "Gryffindor," the hat announced.  
  
"Great," Severus muttered under his breath, "now we're stuck with Black for 7 years--way to go, Potter." But he knew he didn't really mind. They'd gotten off on the wrong foot, but it was fate and he could accept it...he took his place on the stool to make it official.  
  
"Well, well," said a voice in his ear--or maybe his head, "aren't we sure of ourselves?"  
  
'No,' Severus thought reflexively, 'not really.'  
  
"But with a nice thirst to prove our worth all the same," the hat mused, sounding surprised and fondly amused. Severus blinked. "Brave, yes," the hat added, "but even more cunning. You will surprise everyone, Severus Snape...even yourself."   
  
Severus wanted to ask what that meant, but the hat was already calling out, "Slytherin!" 


	3. Complex Components

Disclaimer--All JK Rowling's toys. I'm just looking. Prose is mine, though...please ask before you print or post.  
Author's Notes--Same story applies...But if you are reading this PLEASE review it...writing isn't much fun if you feel like no one reads it.  
Thanks.  
*****  
  
Only after he had taken his place at the table between an older, snide-looking blonde boy and a slightly portly ghost spattered in silver bloodstains did Severus realize he wouldn't have a chance to talk to James that night. He was still trying to adjust to the realization when the blonde said, "I've always wanted to meet a member of the family who gave Salazar Slytherin his bride. It's an honor to have you in our house."  
  
Severus blinked at him in surprise. He hadn't known that--it wasn't as if he had anything to do with his ancestors' accomplishments. Still, it was nice to be welcome...especially after his reception on the train. "Really," he said mildly, "I'm honored to be in a house with such good taste."  
  
The blonde boy laughed, and Severus was gratified to find someone understood his sense of humor. Somewhat comforted by this encouraging turn of events, Severus could feel some of the tension magically seeping from his spine. He even managed to do the feast justice, something he considered extremely fortunate given the lengthy and confusing route to the Common Room, though the Prefect didn't seem in the least aware of any trepidation the First Years might feel at the prospect of finding their way back again. A task, reflected Severus, made all the more difficult by the unlikely location--who slept in a dungeon?--and the fact the entrance looked like any other bare stretch of wall.  
  
The Common Room itself seemed somewhat stark and impersonal--stiff green chairs and hanging lamps surrounded by elegant stretches of empty space. Something about it seemed almost appealing, but Severus couldn't be bothered to analyze what it was--suddenly exhausted, he followed the Prefect's directions to bed and collapsed into a heavy--if troubled--sleep.  
  
Talking to James wasn't as easy as Severus had assumed. Their schedules didn't have any shared classes until Thursday--Herbology--and even though Severus spent nearly every spare second he had thinking about what to say, he still didn't have the slightest idea how to begin. To make matters worse, when Thursday rolled around James still had Sirius Black glued to his side.  
  
The longer they went without speaking, the harder it was going to be--and Severus Snape wasn't going to give up his only friend without a fight. Halfway to the Gryffindor table at breakfast Friday morning, he saw Sirius lean over and say something to James, who laughed. Bile rose in the back of his throat at the memory of James calmly siding with Black at his expense...all at once, Severus wasn't so sure James was his friend. If either of them needed to seek the other out, James ought to be looking for him. Even so, his feet seemed determined to take the first step in that direction, but before they could, Lucius appeared and put a hand on his shoulder. "Severus, my dear boy, what are you staring at the commoners for? You'll ruin your appetite."  
  
Severus allowed himself to be steered in the direction of bacon and sausage, his failure to see things through eating at him the rest of the day. Lily, the timid redheaded Hufflepuff that shared his cauldron in Potions, kept darting anxious glances at him from beneath lowered eyelids, as if examining a curse that might go off at any instant. Severus was both irritated by her concern and touched that she had noticed, but he didn't feel like trying to explain his personal life to a complete stranger, so he ignored both feelings and concentrated on Potions instead.  
  
Potions, he found, were easy to concentrate on being inordinately complex. Each one was a carefully balanced lacing of unrelated things that--properly woven--worked wonders.  
  
"Very good, Severus," Professor Simer said, studying his very first Magic Fizz. "Ten points to Slytherin." As if that weren't enough, the rest of the class eyed him with envious stares that made him feel as though the opinion of one person--even James Potter--couldn't be that important. Strangely enough, best of all was the glimmer of admiration he thought he saw buried in Lily Evans' green eyes.  
  
Head in the clouds as he made his way back toward the Slytherin Common Room that night, Severus walked into something solid that knocked him back several steps. Dazed, he blinked at the pillar in confusion for a few seconds before he understood what had happened. He was about to step around the pillar and move on when he heard voices--too low and excited fo him to make out any words--just ahead. Instinctively, Severus drew back into the shadows, and Sirius Black walked by with James Potter and Petter Pettigrew. Severus hesitated, then slipped noiselessly after them.   
  
"--can't believe Simer took ten points from Gryffindor just because we got lost," James was saying. "I mean--we're in a castle, there are a lot of rooms here. And the staircases change. Of course we're going to get lost."  
  
"I'm sure Simer met well," Black answered, "It must be trying to be interrupted like that, poor thing. She just lost her sense of humor."  
  
"Well," James said as they approached the Potions classroom, "we'll just have to help her find it."  
  
Severus felt his lips compress with disapproval as he stepped between James and the classroom door. "What do you think you're doing?"  
  
Black's eyes narrowed. "What business is it of yours, Snotty Slytherin?"  
  
"I'm disappointed in you, James," Severus said, ignoring him. "I thought you'd give your teachers more respect."  
  
James snorted. "And you know everything about me? You aren't even speaking to me, remember?"  
  
"James--" Severus began, still unsure where to go from there.  
  
"We don't have time for this," Pettigrew announced edgily. "Filch could show up."  
  
There was a long pause. James stood with his head tipped to the side, almost as if listening to something inaudible. "Look, Sev, maybe you should lighten up--if you're speaking to me now, that is." His posture made it all too clear he intended to get into that classroom--one way or another.  
  
Severus knew he couldn't allow them to sabotage Professor Simer--even if whatever they had planned was harmless, which he couldn't count on. All the same, he couldn't quite bring himself to turn James in--things were in enough of a mess already. He sighed...and stepped aside. "Fine," he said shortly, "count me in."  
  
James grinned.  
  
Severus had to admit the trick was clever. He found himself admiring how well James--and Black--seemed to have it planned, and he told them so. Even Black seemed to unthaw a little after that. Two hours of hard work were...almost fun.   
  
"James, I'm--" Severus began as they emerged.  
  
James stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Talk to you tomorrow, Sev," he said simply. His tone of voice soothed like balm.   
  
Severus watched the trio disappear down the hall, said softly, "No, I don't think you will", and turned on his heel...back into Professor Simer's classroom. 


	4. The Morning After

Disclaimer-The universe and characters don't belong to me, but sometimes if I'm good, they can come out and play. Thanks for sharing, JK! Since the prose is mine, please ask before printing or posting elsewhere.  
  
Author's Note: I know this looks like an AU right now, but my intention is to have the relationship between Severus Snape and the Maurauders end up like that in the books. Please read and review!   
  
Thanks to Rainbow Dreamer and Llyana for the nice reviews! I'm really glad to know someone is enjoying my story. And I liked the idea of putting Lily in Hufflepuff, too. Hufflepuff gets overlooked a lot (so does Ravenclaw. :-( ) and it seemed appropriate because Lily's sacrifice for Harry sort of reminds me of Cedric's death. :-)   
  
  
  
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Tearing down the complicated prank he had helped James and Sirius set up took most of the night. Severus regarded it as something of a minor miracle Filch hadn't found him out, but detention was minor compared to James' reaction when he found out what Severus had done. Reflecting the experience might, at least, come in handy if he ever had to write an essay about how the living dead might feel, Severus lurched into the Great Hall just before the end of the breakfast serve. He dug into eggs and sausages listlessly, careful not to look at anyone else in the room.  
  
"Don't look now," murmured Lucius, his voice cool, cultured, and even in spite of the inhumanity of the hour, but tinged with disdain. "The commoners are trying to get your attention."  
  
Confused, Severus jerked his head in Lucius' direction, and caught a flicker of movement from the Gryffindor table in the corner of his eye. James was unmistakeably waving--at him. Sirius was even throwing himself into the act, making outrageous faces. Severus could feel his heart stop beating--as if it were afraid to break the spell with any sudden motion. Both Lucius' eyebrows had risen to extraordinary heights. His veiled eyes seemed to be ski-ing along the sharp slope of his nose. Severus hardly noticed, but the shock of the expression still seemed to restart his heart, for which he supposed he ought grateful. "You don't associate with them--do you?"  
  
Severus' stomach knotted with something akin to angry disgust, but one thing his mother had taught him was how to bury a gut reaction so deeply and so quickly he was almost unware he had ever had it. He looked at Lucius with his lips compressed ever-so-slightly into a near-smile and raised one shoulder a minute fraction. "It's not much good to be a king among wizards if you can't hold court," he said, kissing irony.  
  
Lucius stared at him a moment and threw back his head and laughed. "I knew I liked you."  
  
Severus inclined his head in a gesture regal as a bow and swept off to the Gryffindor table before he could change his mind.  
  
"Looking a little beaten, Sev, old boy," Sirius greeted cheerfully, "Too excited to sleep?"  
  
Severus blinked as he tried to sort out why Sirius would give him credit for being excited about a prank it had to be obvious he had ruined. New to the school as they all were, they knew enough to realize that if the prank had worked the whole school would have been abuzz with rumors by now--  
  
"We're disappointed, too," James sighed, "but there's no need to take it so hard, Sev--we can try again some other time."  
  
"Yeah," snarled Sirius, looking unnervingly similar to an angry dog, "Wish I knew how Filch found out about it."  
  
The rest of Severus' body had become incredibly heavy, at least according to his legs, and he was blinking so rapidly his eyelids were fluttering like batwings. A warm rush of terrible hope was crashing through his veins. In an amazing burst of luck, he had managed to run interference on the prank without interference in his friendships.  
  
"I still think," Peter Pettigrew muttered darkly, "one of us had to tell him." His dark eyes glistened beadily.   
  
Severus fought the sudden urge to swallow.  
  
"Don't be ridiculous," James said sharply. "The three of us haven't been out of one another's sight--and Sev wouldn't sell us out."  
  
"Are you sure?" Pettigrew kept staring at Severus.  
  
"I've known him my whole life," James said firmly.  
  
Acutely aware of Lucius at the table behind him, envisioning the disproving stares of the other Slytherins, Severus pushed the sudden urge to clap James on the back aside, fending off guilt with a furious internal reminder the Slytherins were the ones he had to live with. Part of him wanted desperately to confess, but the words stuck in his throat. Even as he tried to sort out what possible harm could come from just letting things lie, James was seizing the moment. "We didn't call Severus away from breakfast to debate this--we wanted to introduce him to Remus."  
  
For the first time, Severus noticed the slight boy sitting on the other side of Sirius. He had a sensitive, eloquently-drawn face so pale it looked as though it had been washed in moonlight, and huge, expressive silver eyes drawn oddly tight around the edges...as if weighted with pain or some heavy knowledge. The boy was appealing, but something about him made Severus want to frown. "Severus Snape, Remus Lupin. Remus, this is the boy we've been telling you about," James said.   
  
Normally Severus would have felt a shimmer of gratified pride at such an introduction, but his attention already occupied by the name--he remembered with a jolt thinking how odd 'Lupin, Remus'' absence at the Sorting had been.  
  
Sirius poked Severus impatiently in the side. "Say something."  
  
"Oh--nice to meet you," Severus mumbled in a rush. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to get a move on if I want to manage breakfast before first class." He turned and fled with his much-occuppied brain, trying not to notice the startled looks on the other boys' faces.   
  
Severus was actually relieved to find himself in his first class--History of Magic--where he could drop off with very little to disturb him.  
  
By the time Slytherin had Double Herbology with Gryffindor, Severus was secretly looking forward to seeing James and his trio. He wasn't disappointed--they had a great time following Professor Sprout around Greenhouse One as she introduced them to an assortment of interesting plants. Trying to catch one another off-guard when Professor Sprout wasn't looking was even more interesting than the plants. As they headed across the lawn for lunch, Severus was surprised to find he was feeling more light-hearted than he had in a very long time. 


	5. Friends and Family

Disclaimer--characters and universe belong to JK Rowling. They just force me to write about them late at night.  
  
Author's Notes--Thanks to all those who have put up with me and my plot bunny long enough to leave feedback...I really appreciate you guys!  
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Professor McGonagall had said your House was supposed to be your family, but Severus had been at Hogwarts for over a month, and the only person he really knew in Slytherin House wasn't even his age. He had been so determined to become a model Slytherin and justify Malfoy's faith in him, but without his quite knowing how, the Gryffindors had begun to occupy his time, and his resolution to get to know his housemates had fallen victim by the wayside.He knew he ought to go back to the Common Room and try to make a few new friends, but in his experience it wasn't that easy to enjoy your family...especially when you had James--who was better than any brother--to occupy your time.   
  
Severus had more fun in the last three weeks than in his entire life--with the Gryffindors--  
  
It frightened him how much their friendship meant to him, and not just his friendship with James, but with all of them. Sirius, at first so opposed to him, balanced as closely as the opposite side of the same coin, or his reflection in a mirror, maybe. Peter who could be so frustrating, who needed them so completely. Remus,the dreamer whose eyes saw far into the horizon, the calm and quiet voice of reason, security in an insecure place, perhaps most of all...It seemed weak, somehow, to rely that much on anyone...   
  
Guilt welled up slowly and filled the little cracks of doubt with which he was riddled, pushing him apart. He toyed half-heartedly with his toast, telling himself firmly that trying sooner would be much better than later, even if he did have all year.   
  
He tossed a glance across to the others, considering, and found that Remus' place empty. Forgetting he had toast in his mouth, Severus inhaled sharply, and nearly ended up choking. Several Slytherins snickered derisively. Severus ignored them, swallowing convulsively, and went to head off the others, nearly tackling James as he walked into the entry. "Is Remus okay? Where is he?"  
  
"Relax," James advised, pulling away and rubbing his shoulder. "Remus is better than I am."  
  
"He just went home to visit Mommy," smirked Peter.  
  
Sirius cuffed him upside the head. "She's sick," he said.   
  
"Why didn't he--" Severus stopped abruptly. "I hope she's okay," he said, wondering if James could tell what he was thinking.   
  
Being James, he could. Severus could tell by the look in his eyes, and he wasn't sure if it made him feel better or worse.  
  
"I know what will cheer you up," James said. "Let's go and visit Hagrid."  
  
"Hagrid?" Severus repeated blankly.  
  
"The groundskeeper," Lucius said, gliding into the entry hall. "Careful, Snape--even a family name like yours could be muddied by the company you keep."  
  
James laughed derisively. "Severus knows better than to judge people by their family."  
  
Severus knew he meant it kindly...but he couldn't help but see his mother flicker across his eyes and feel as though James were saying something about her that made his mouth taste bitter. He opened his mouth for a comment he didn't actually have, but Lucius' words flowed into the gap, sounding almost silky. "You're such a smart, noble boy. Hanging around with what?" Lucius' eyes flicked to Sirius with a smirk, "Rabble-rousers." He eyed James scornfully, "Two-bit ringleaders. Missing riff-raff," he said in a tone that brought the ragged hem of Remus' robe all-too-clearly to mind, "And," he concluded, staring directly at the faint suggestion of Pettigrew, "the piece de resistance--a tag-along fat lump who's not even smart enough to fall on his fat arse."  
  
James held his hands at his side, fists clenched. Sirius' dark eyes smouldered in a way that made Severus grateful he didn't know many curses. And Pettigrew seemed to be turning purple. Severus could see Remus' eyes closing silently over their hurt where a moment before the image of his mother had been.  
  
  
"You'll find, Snape," Lucius concluded conversationally, "there are two sorts of wizards...and you don't want to associate with the wrong sort." He pushed away from the table, knocking Pettigrew off-balance as he went.  
  
"Friendly guy," James said dryly, catching Pettigrew.  
  
"Yeah, I can see why you like him," Sirius said, shaking his head.   
  
Severus felt he ought to apologize--for Lucius' attitude or his own failure to tell him off, he wasn't sure which. "Let's just go see Hagrid," James said into the heavy silence.  
  
Visiting Hagrid was fun, but Severus couldn't quite shake the discomfort of breakfast.  
  
***  
  
"This is the third time you've messed up that measurement," Lily said over their cauldron. "Worried?"  
  
Severus raised one eyebrow ever-so-slightly. "And what business of yours would it be?"  
  
"My mistake," Lily said mildly, "telling you something you already knew."  
  
Severus caught the sarcastic tinge in her mock-helpful tone and began to laugh. Professor Simer stared sharply in their direction, but they weren't doing anything. "Maybe I'm impressed with you for noticing," he said.   
  
"So something is bothering you. It can't be the Potions test next week, that's what's bothering me."  
  
"I was just thinking...about a friend who had a problem and didn't tell me."  
  
"You have the market cornered on that, then?"  
  
"Saucy witch, you know that's not what I meant."  
  
Lily giggled at his exasperated scowl. "Maybe your friend isn't ready to talk about it. He'll be ready to tell you eventually...Maybe all you have to do is be sure that when he is, you're ready to listen."  
  
Severus stopped and tilted his head to the side slightly. "You know, I think that's very wise, Lily."  
  
She smirked slightly and gave a little bow. "I try," she said.  
  
Severus laughed again. But he could still the scene between Lucius and the Gryffindors in the back of his mind...like an ax hanging over his head heavily, waiting to fall.   
  
"That's not all that's bothering you," Lily said shrewdly, "is it?"  
  
"No," Severus admitted. "Have you ever felt like you had to choose between your friends and--"  
  
"Your family?," Lily finished softly. Her eyes were focused on something far away, glittering brightly. She reached out to toss lacewings into the potion, and Severus could see her hand was shaking slightly, so that he wanted to reach out and cover it with his own, make it steady.   
  
"Well...yeah," he admitted a little roughly.   
  
"I think...they shouldn't make you choose," Lily said faintly. "If they really care about you like...like friends and family."  
  
There was a long pause as Severus added the fairy dew.   
  
"Yeah," he said, his voice fading equally, "but what if they do..."  
  
"Exactly the right shade of purple," Professor Simer said over his shoulder. "Well done."  
  
Lily beamed up at him, and Severus believed Malfoy's declaration he could accomplish great things for the first time. Suddenly, he knew everything was going to be all right. 


End file.
